week Seventeen: Affirmations

Positive affirmations.  Well lets beging with I AM STRONG.  Cause I can actually believe that.  I believe I am strong to be going through the things Im going through. 

Some affirmations that I tell myself that I can't always believe or dont believe at all are:
I am beautiful
I am worthwhile
I am worth loving.
I bring joy to people.
I am becoming a better person every day.
I am confident, competent, and calm. 
Joyful dreams of love surround me everywhere
I am feeling vibrant and energetic
My body is healthy and functioning in a very good way
I am an early riser and a deep sleeper
I am responsible for creating happiness in my life.
I am grateful for each experience in my life.
I am openly and freely acceptiong the abundance in my life.
I am organized and disciplined
I feel happier, healthier and wiser everyday that passes
I choose to live life the way that makes me happy and free
I am healing deeply through powerful positive affirmation
I am creative
I forgive myself
I accept and love me for who I am
I am beautiful, warmhearted and intelligent.

I  say these everday and have a hard time believing them becaue I have no proof that these are true.  I just feel that they aren't true and that no one wants to be around be because Im ugly.  Ive been told this isn't the case, but its hard to believe when no one shows you they want to be around you.

I say these affirmations to help boost my self esteem, which is low,  and make myself feel better about myself and my situation.  Everyone wants to feel better about themselves and I think affirmations are the way to go.  Even if you don't believe them you can still brighten up your day some by saying these affirmations.  So I challenge you to say these affirmaitons to yourself and see if it doesn't just make your day a little brighter!

Week Sixteen: Giving

THE JOYS OF GIVING

The joys of giving the small things to people who may have nothing has a great feeling behind it.  Its nice to give to others instead of just recieving.  I believe that the holidays are not about recieving they are about giving.  And giving what ever you can to whomever you can.  I think it is important to see the joy on the faces of people who may not of had a holiday with out you bringing the presents. 

I enjoy giving presents more than recieving them.  Theres something about the smile on peoples faces that is a present enough for me.  Thats why I don't usually ask for much during the holidays becaue Id rather give.  So if your wondering what to ask for this year try just giving and not asking for anything.  I understand this can be hard and you may not want to but give it a try and see what rewards you recieve but just giving. 

Week Fifteen: Higher Power

My higher power is God. 

 I grew up very religious and remain religious praying everyday for the things I have and for people in my life.  God may not answer all my prayers but the ones he answers are the ones that mean the most to me.  And sometimes I even thank him for not answering my prayers.  Like my prayer to die, I am not thankful that he did not answer this prayer,  I am happy to be alive.  God has always been there for me through every time I had a rough patch to every time I had a good patch.  Theres a song I know of that says that "He will never leave me, I know how much he loves me, he'll always stand beside me"  and I truly believe every word this says.  I don't need a chruch to feel close to God, I just need me to feel close to God.  I need me to pray and listen and watch for him in the many ways he presents himself.  Like the trees, and sun, and a new born baby.  He is everywhere constantly answering prayers. 

Week Fourteen: Thankful

In honor of Thanksgiving, this weeks post is what I am thankful for!
As I sit here pondering, of what I'm thankful for not much comes to mind.  Maybe cause I have a hard time believing that people actually care about me.  So how can I be thankful for something that doesn't care for me? 

But somehow I can be thankful for that. I'm thankful for the support I receive from my family and friends.  They don't need to be so supportive, but I appreciate it everyday.  I am also thankful for having shelter, water, and food.  Some people in this world don't have one or even all three of these key components to life, yet they are still thankful for the small things.  How nice would it be to be thankful for just the small things in life.  Its like you need to lose everything to realize the small things in life that you can be thankful for.  Like some children at Christmas whose parents are in jail, they are thankful to us that we give them gifts every year, however they are probably just thankful that their parents are still alive and coming home hopefully soon.  Children seem to be the ones that look at the small things and are thankful for those where adults want things to be thankful for like a good job and a house things like that.  I'm just thankful I have you, the reader, reading this blog and hopefully realizing that the small things are just as important as the big things in life, maybe even more important.  So be thankful for the trees, and the weather, and the sun, every piece of grass.  There's a song that goes a little something like this:

I thank God for this day, for the sun in the sky, for my mom and my dad, and my piece of apple pie, for the grass on the ground, for the love that's all around, that's why I thank God every day!

Every time I have a hard time being thankful for the small things I remember this song and it helps be put things in perspective as to what is most important.  the trees, sun, family, and even a piece of pie.  God does marvelous things and we have much to be thankful for.  So as I continue to write this I think of more and more things I am thankful for.

I'm thankful for my family and friends.  My Goddaughter, My cats, for everyone that has made a difference in my life and changed my life in any way, mostly I'm thankful to just be alive.  I have never been thankful to just be alive before now and it feels good to be alive enjoying the wonderful weather even though its raining, and just enjoying other peoples company.  I am thankful for everyone who makes a difference in the lives of others.

So if your wondering what to be thankful for this year, I suggest you be thankful for all the small things in your life, even if that means just being thankful you have blankets at night, anything.  There is much to be thankful for, you just need to open your eyes and notice it.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Week Thirteen: Forgiveness

Forgiveness according to the dictionary means: the act of excusing a mistake or offense; or compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive.

Yeah okay like that's an easy thing to do.  I have a hard time forgiving people cause I feel they don't deserve my forgiveness especially after the things they've done.  I feel it tells them that what they did was an okay thing to do.  And its not an okay thing for them to do so how can I truly forgive them.  Instead of forgiving them I push the situation out of my mind and try not to think about it.  Doesn't always work though.  When it comes out, oh man, am I angry.  You are probably thinking I am angry at them, but in all actuality I'm angry at myself.  "Why did I let this happen?"  "What did I do that was so wrong to allow this to be okay?"  All the anger then turns inward and it doesn't end well. 

I'm learning that forgiveness isn't for the person who you are forgiving its often for yourself.  Maybe I just need to forgive myself for what has happened and stop blaming myself for what has happened.  I'm trying to figure this out and what the best way for me to do this would be.  Like I said before, this isn't an easy thing for me especially to do.  I look at those who are easy to forgive and wonder what it would be like if I could just do that.  Seems to make things a little easier, but then again I would feel it gives the other person permission to continue doing what they have done because its like its okay with you that it happened.  I can't live with that.  I don't know how to figure it out and how to change the way I feel about forgiveness.  I just know how I feel about it.

Week Twelve: Meaningful person!!

There are so many people in my life that are meaningful to me.  My Parents, Chris, Amanda, My brothers, etc..

I choose to only write about one person in particular, and that would be AMANDA!!

Amanda is my best friend.  She is always there for me no matter what is going on.  She knows everything about me and still sticks around.  hehe.  :D.  If that doesn't say dedication then I don't know what does. 

Amanda is a sweet genuine person, who knows when to let you sit and sorrow and when you need a kick in the ass.  And shes more than happy to do both for you.  She is the kind of person you want to hang out with, despite being late sometimes, shes always there.  I know I can depend on her and count on her for anything. and she can me. 

She means the world to me and I don't know what I would do with out her in my life.  Love you always Amanda. 

Week Eleven: Recovery?

The question is not why I want to recover, its Do I want to recover?  And the answer to that question is not an easy one.  I want to recover but at the same time I do not.  Im very content being in the state I'm in.  I like the results I get and it makes me feel good.  Why change that? Thats right becuase if I continue this pattern of behavior then I could be in a serious health crisis. Thats why I want to change the behavior.  I want to be in a healthier state than I currently am in.  I think the main reason I don't want to change is because Im afraid to.  Im afraid to live with out this behavior cause I don't know if anything else will make me feel as good. 

My short term goal would be to try and find other things in my life that make me feel good.  Even if that means just lying around with my family.

My long term goal would be to live with out the behavior and be healthier.

Week Ten: Accomplishments.

This is a hard topic for me to write on, for I don't believe I have a lot of accomplishments.  I'm hoping by writing this I realize I have accomplished more than knew. 

Some of my accomplishments are as follows:
1. Completion of Phlebotomy course
2. living on my own
3. writing my book

These are the only accomplishments I can think of.  I usually don't give myself credit for the things I do, but I felt these were true accomplishments. 

I just completed my Phlebotomy course and take my national certification test NOVEMBER 2nd.  I am very excited for this, I have worked hard on it and it shows in my work. 

Moving out on my own was a big accomplishment, probably the biggest one.  After not quite getting along well with my parents I decided to move out and It was the best decision I have ever made.  My relationship with my parents has improved and continues to get stronger.  Just recently my Fiance moved in with me.  Its been nice having him with me.  It got pretty lonely living by myself. 

Ive been writing a book for a few years now.  Its not complete by I still view it as an accomplishment.  Its been something I have enjoyed writing and getting feedback on.  Its nice to have something that you are interested in doing and you are just about to complete it.  At some point I would love to see if I can get the book published.  It would mean so much to me to get it published by someone and have my book out there to share with the world.  That's all in due time.  I WILL finish my book one day soon and hope all of you read it and enjoy it!! 

As I wrote this I couldn't think of anymore accomplishments I have made. As I continue to think about it and realize there are more accomplishments that I haven't listed, I will certainly add them to this post.   

Week Nine: Where I am today?

Where I am today?

At this point in my life I am struggling to be happy.  I have had things happen in the last few weeks that have made me depressed and really put me in a bad spot. I'm currently trying to climb out of the hole that I am stuck in, that is making me depressed, and in search of happiness.  I am able to see the joy in getting married and looking forward to that event.  I am looking for ways to bring myself closer to the top of the hole that I've fallen in and using coping skills as a ladder to help me out of the hole.  Skills like Radical acceptance, opposite to emotion, meditation, identifying emotions and how they affect my behavior, and many more skills. 

Radical acceptance is accepting something as is, for what it is.  You don't have to like it but just accept that it is what it is.

Opposite to emotion is when you feel depressed and you don't feel like doing anything, getting up and doing something anyway.  This can help change your mood from a level of depression to a happier mood.  It doesn't always work but for the times it does it makes a big difference.

Meditation has really helped me.  I meditate using Progressive muscle relaxation and body scans.  Progressive muscle relaxation is when you start with your legs and work your way up your body tensing and relaxing certain muscle groups.  The body scan is where you lay down on your back and you focus on different body groups starting with your feet and moving up.  With this you don't tense and relax the muscles but are simply aware of the sensations that each group of body parts has.  

I also have been working on just identifying my emotions and how they affect my behavior.  For example, being agitated might make me more susceptible to lashing out verbally toward another person.  I have found this helpful in being able to identify why I behave the way I do sometimes.  

So with this being said, I am using lots of skills to help myself climb out of the hole of depression that I feel I am stuck in.  With a recent medication change I am finding that I am feeling better and less depressed because my mood is being stabilized by the medication.  However, medications alone won't do the trick.  It takes many skills and work to get out of a depressive state of mind and I am learning ways in which to reach out to people to gain support while going through this. I have also realized that I don't know what its like to be happy anymore because it's been a while since I have truly been happy.  I am trying to recapture the feeling of happiness and fill my life with things that make me feel good.  These include: spending time with my fiance and family, going out and taking walks, and just being around people.  

This is where I am today, at this very moment in time.  Eventually, I would like to be happy and be able to see life in a new light.

Week Eight: FEARS

• Heights (if not surrounded by walls)
• Pigs
• Living in pain and suffering
• Watching others live in pain and suffering
• Being someone I'm not
• Living with a secret

First, Heights (not surrounded by walls), This would include bungee jumping or sky diving things along those lines.  I'm afraid of falling I suppose in mid air to land where ever the wind takes me.  No thank you. 

Second, Pigs, Yes Pigs, I'm terrified of Pigs.  I was at camp once and we were doing these races against different camp groups and one part of the race was having to chase this pig and untie a rope from around its belly.  well I was young then and the pig instead of being chased was chasing me.  It terrified me and from then on out I have been terrified of them.  If they are even in a cage I'm still a little afraid of them.  It was an awful experience. 

Third, Living with pain and suffering, I'm not afraid of pain, or death, however I am afraid of living with it everyday of my life.  What kind of life would that be.  I'm afraid of suffering and not being able to live my life to the fullest capacity that I can.  I worry that this is the track of life I am on and that makes me afraid.

Fourth, Watching others live in pain and suffering, I fear for others.  I fear their fears for not living life to their fullest capacity.  I fear losing loved ones who have so much going for them, who have more to live for. 

Fifth, Being someone I'm not!, I'm afraid of this mask I'm hiding behind, A mask that lets people see who they want to see and not the real me.  I hide the real me to protect me so I don't get hurt anymore.  I hide so that people don't judge or criticize me for my actions.  I put on this mask and play this game to make people like me and to be accepted by people.  Some times people catch on and other times they don't.  I'm afraid that more people are going to start seeing through this mask and start seeing who I truly am on the inside and start judging me for who I am and disliking me for that.  Casting me out for my character, and my behaviors because they are different than maybe what they are use to.

And Lastly, Living with a secret, This Almost scares me the most.  It's a tie between this and being someone I'm not.  I live with a secret that I hide from almost every one I come in contact with on a daily basis.  It's hard keeping a secret for so long because eventually it wants to come out and when it does its not usually at the right moment.  I've done good so far at still being able to keep my secret from those who I don't want knowing and those who had to know, well they found out.  Luckily, it didn't change anything between their relationship between them and I so that was a positive thing for me.  And something I feared would happen.  LIving with a secret isn't easy and isn't fun, but I feel it is something I've had to do to protect my self from everyone around me.  To protect me from getting hurt. 

Week Seven: HERO

There's a hero If you look inside your heart You don't have to be afraid Of what you are There's an answer If you reach into your soul And the sorrow that you know Will melt away

And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you

It's a long road When you face the world alone No one reaches out a hand For you to hold You can find love If you search within yourself And the emptiness you felt Will disappear

And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you

Lord knows Dreams are hard to follow But don't let anyone Tear them away Hold on There will be tomorrow In time You'll find the way

And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you ~ Hero by Mariah Carey

Everyone is a hero no matter how big or how small.  I believe, if you look deep enough inside yourself you'll find who you truly are.  You may not at first believe that you can be a hero, but think again and you will see that you are a hero if you can just believe. 
Its been taking me a long time to look inside my self to find this "HERO" and I still can't seem to find it but I know that if I feel it that it must be there somewhere waiting to come out.  Its the small things you do that make you a hero, do you help take care of someone?, do you donate your time to helping those in need?, These are just two examples of how you can be a hero. 
Have you found the HERO in you?

Week Six: How I am feeling!

I chose this picture because this is where I would like to be.  I remember being in place where I felt happy and like nothing could bother me.  Today I do not feel this way.  I'm not going to go in to details, for not to trigger anyone who may read this.  I would like to get back to a feeling of being happy and not let anything bother me.  Id like to laugh, be able to have a good time with friends and family and be able to live life to its fullest.  I feel like today that is not possible.  But with the help of my support system its becoming a little easier to start to begin to see my life slowly change.  And when I say slowly I mean slowly. Oh to be happy again.  I know my time will come, and that's just it, it will take some time. I believe that one day it will happen for me.  Its just a matter of when it does.  And when it does, well Ill be happy :).  In the meantime, I'll be using my skills and supports, to try and make it through this time period I seem to be stuck in.     I'm stuck in a rut that seems to get deeper as the days progress.  A rut that I can't get out of.  At least not on my own it seems.  I have so many things in my life to be happy for but at this point in my life it is so hard to be happy for them.  I have my family, friends, fiance, my wedding coming up.  Its just so hard to be happy when your stuck in this rut and can't get out.   

Week Five: Things that make me smile, laugh, and happy!!

1. My family
2. My fiance
3. My Goddaughter
4. My friends
5. My cats

These are just a few things that make me happy, smile and laugh.

First, my family. When my family gets together we have a wonderful time full of laughter.  Playing games and having conversations about the new things in our lives.  New jokes maybe that we have heard or ones that we have read that we have liked.  Remembering old memories that make us smile and laugh.

Second, my fiance.  He knows just when to make me smile especially when I'm feeling down.  He makes me laugh when I need a good laugh and overall makes me the happiest person in the world.  Without him I would be lost.

Third, my Goddaughter.  She is a handful, but a wonderful little girl.  she is only 2 but she is perfect in her own little way.  We spend hours laughing at each other and at nothing in particular.  Her smile sure lights up a room and makes every one smile with her.  She makes me so happy to be a part of her life.

Fourth, my friends.  I don't know what I would do without my friends. They are my biggest supports.  They are always there for me when I need something like a pick me up.  And for that they make me smile and laugh when I need it.  

Last but definitely not least, my cats.  They make me happy just by being there for me when I needed someone to comfort me when I was down.  When I needed someone to snuggle with when I was tired and cold.  And when I was lonely and needed someone to talk to and share my feelings with who wouldn't judge me and tell me that I shouldn't feel that way.  

To all these people and my cats I am thankful, and blessed to have them in my life.  I don't know what I would do without them in my life.  I wish everyone was a lucky as I consider me being, by having as good of people and animals in my life as I have.  

Week Four: Aspirations

What are my aspirations?

Well a couple years ago I probably wouldnt have been able to tell you, for i didnt know what i wanted to do, or where I saw my self in the years to come.

Now this is a little easier to answer.  In the next few years I see myself as a Wife, Mother, Phlebotomist, as well as a daughter, and a friend. 

Ive always wanted to be a wife and mother and Im getting married in less than 6 months to the most amazing guy in the world.  As a mother I can share the love I have with my children and share my experiences with them helping them reach their aspirations through out life. 

As a phlebotomist, I will be a professional and be helping people which is my passion.

As a daughter, I will be there to need assistance and offer my own advice.

As a friend, I will be there to support you in everything and anything you need. And in return I need you to do the same for me.  Its important to have that exchange of supports between friends and family members to keep the relationship going strong. 

Week Three: The Power Within

What played a major influence in my life? My faith in GOD! 

Its like Josh Turner's song says, "There ain't nothing that can't be done by Me and GOD, Ain't nobody gonna come between Me and GOD"

Throughout my life I have lived by these words, every choice I have made was weighed with great decision by my faith in GOD. Do I wear this outfit? Do I do this? Do I go here or there? Do I hang with these people or those? GOD has shaped my life in so many ways by his words alone.  Here are some verses I live by:

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".-Corinthians 4:13

"Have I not commanded  you be strong and courageous, Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you where ever you go".-Joshua 1:9

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord". -Romans 8:38-39

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him".-Psalm 37:7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God".- Philippians 4:6

"Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal".-Isaiah 26:4

These verses have helped me get through some really rough times in my life and God has been there every step of the way watching over me making sure I stay safe.  Who knows where I would be without my faith in God.  Thank you God for being there to support me and keep me safe.  

Week Two: Childhood Memories!

It's that time of year again folks!  That's right, the Craig family ROAD TRIP!!!

This years destination Kentucky.  Its My mother(the driver), My father(the passenger/ map reader), My 3 Brothers(the pests, lol), and I, all getting settled in our minivan awaiting to travel the open road.  Our luggage piled so high in the back it reaches the top of the back seat.  All us kids bringing bags of activies for the trip: CD players, notebooks, colored pencils, coloring books, regular reading books, etc... and of course you can not forget the huge cooler of drinks and the big snack bag every Craig family vacation has to have.

Now that everything is loaded and everyone is buckled in we can start our adventure on the open road.  OH wait but first the traditional music that goes along with every road trip we take.  ON THE ROAD AGAIN by WILLIE NELSON is the first song played every time we take a road trip. What fond memories.  

AS we are driving along the first leg of our journey goes rather smoothly, everyone listening to his or her own music, minding his or her own business.  But as the trip get longer you start to hear things more like this, "She's looking out my window",  "  MOM, He's touching me", "Are we there yet?",  "I gotta go to the bathroom", "How much longer?", "Can you pass the Chips?"  That last one coming from my father.  

Once arriving in Kentucky we went to Mammoth Cave National Park. There we explored underground caves that were amazing and hard for one to describe. These caves were cold and damp, it was absolutely a sight to see.  

 Now, Its time for our long journey back home.  "Are we there yet?", "I'm hungry", "MOM, I have to go to the bathroom".  All after a nice song by WILLIE NELSON of course. 

This was a nice family vacation and there were many more than followed it, It was tough to decide which memory to talk about, but this one took the cake. 

Week One: What is Beauty?

What is Beauty?

Some people believe beauty is on the outside of a person, their looks.

I believe beauty comes from within a person.  Their strengths.  These can include but are not limited to:

1. Courage
2. Compassion
3. Love
4. Strong
5. Big Heart
6. Strong Willed
7. Kind
8. Honest
9. Faithful

And these are just a few to mention.
REMEMBER:     I AM BEAUTIFUL!!!