The question is not why I want to recover, its Do I want to recover? And the answer to that question is not an easy one. I want to recover but at the same time I do not. Im very content being in the state I'm in. I like the results I get and it makes me feel good. Why change that? Thats right becuase if I continue this pattern of behavior then I could be in a serious health crisis. Thats why I want to change the behavior. I want to be in a healthier state than I currently am in. I think the main reason I don't want to change is because Im afraid to. Im afraid to live with out this behavior cause I don't know if anything else will make me feel as good.
My short term goal would be to try and find other things in my life that make me feel good. Even if that means just lying around with my family.
My long term goal would be to live with out the behavior and be healthier.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Week Ten: Accomplishments.
This is a hard topic for me to write on, for I don't believe I have a lot of accomplishments. I'm hoping by writing this I realize I have accomplished more than knew.
Some of my accomplishments are as follows:
1. Completion of Phlebotomy course
2. living on my own
3. writing my book
These are the only accomplishments I can think of. I usually don't give myself credit for the things I do, but I felt these were true accomplishments.
I just completed my Phlebotomy course and take my national certification test NOVEMBER 2nd. I am very excited for this, I have worked hard on it and it shows in my work.
Moving out on my own was a big accomplishment, probably the biggest one. After not quite getting along well with my parents I decided to move out and It was the best decision I have ever made. My relationship with my parents has improved and continues to get stronger. Just recently my Fiance moved in with me. Its been nice having him with me. It got pretty lonely living by myself.
Ive been writing a book for a few years now. Its not complete by I still view it as an accomplishment. Its been something I have enjoyed writing and getting feedback on. Its nice to have something that you are interested in doing and you are just about to complete it. At some point I would love to see if I can get the book published. It would mean so much to me to get it published by someone and have my book out there to share with the world. That's all in due time. I WILL finish my book one day soon and hope all of you read it and enjoy it!!
As I wrote this I couldn't think of anymore accomplishments I have made. As I continue to think about it and realize there are more accomplishments that I haven't listed, I will certainly add them to this post.
Some of my accomplishments are as follows:
1. Completion of Phlebotomy course
2. living on my own
3. writing my book
These are the only accomplishments I can think of. I usually don't give myself credit for the things I do, but I felt these were true accomplishments.
I just completed my Phlebotomy course and take my national certification test NOVEMBER 2nd. I am very excited for this, I have worked hard on it and it shows in my work.
Moving out on my own was a big accomplishment, probably the biggest one. After not quite getting along well with my parents I decided to move out and It was the best decision I have ever made. My relationship with my parents has improved and continues to get stronger. Just recently my Fiance moved in with me. Its been nice having him with me. It got pretty lonely living by myself.
Ive been writing a book for a few years now. Its not complete by I still view it as an accomplishment. Its been something I have enjoyed writing and getting feedback on. Its nice to have something that you are interested in doing and you are just about to complete it. At some point I would love to see if I can get the book published. It would mean so much to me to get it published by someone and have my book out there to share with the world. That's all in due time. I WILL finish my book one day soon and hope all of you read it and enjoy it!!
As I wrote this I couldn't think of anymore accomplishments I have made. As I continue to think about it and realize there are more accomplishments that I haven't listed, I will certainly add them to this post.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Week Nine: Where I am today?
Where I am today?
At this point in my life I am struggling to be happy. I have had things happen in the last few weeks that have made me depressed and really put me in a bad spot. I'm currently trying to climb out of the hole that I am stuck in, that is making me depressed, and in search of happiness. I am able to see the joy in getting married and looking forward to that event. I am looking for ways to bring myself closer to the top of the hole that I've fallen in and using coping skills as a ladder to help me out of the hole. Skills like Radical acceptance, opposite to emotion, meditation, identifying emotions and how they affect my behavior, and many more skills.
Radical acceptance is accepting something as is, for what it is. You don't have to like it but just accept that it is what it is.
Opposite to emotion is when you feel depressed and you don't feel like doing anything, getting up and doing something anyway. This can help change your mood from a level of depression to a happier mood. It doesn't always work but for the times it does it makes a big difference.
Meditation has really helped me. I meditate using Progressive muscle relaxation and body scans. Progressive muscle relaxation is when you start with your legs and work your way up your body tensing and relaxing certain muscle groups. The body scan is where you lay down on your back and you focus on different body groups starting with your feet and moving up. With this you don't tense and relax the muscles but are simply aware of the sensations that each group of body parts has.
I also have been working on just identifying my emotions and how they affect my behavior. For example, being agitated might make me more susceptible to lashing out verbally toward another person. I have found this helpful in being able to identify why I behave the way I do sometimes.
So with this being said, I am using lots of skills to help myself climb out of the hole of depression that I feel I am stuck in. With a recent medication change I am finding that I am feeling better and less depressed because my mood is being stabilized by the medication. However, medications alone won't do the trick. It takes many skills and work to get out of a depressive state of mind and I am learning ways in which to reach out to people to gain support while going through this. I have also realized that I don't know what its like to be happy anymore because it's been a while since I have truly been happy. I am trying to recapture the feeling of happiness and fill my life with things that make me feel good. These include: spending time with my fiance and family, going out and taking walks, and just being around people.
This is where I am today, at this very moment in time. Eventually, I would like to be happy and be able to see life in a new light.
At this point in my life I am struggling to be happy. I have had things happen in the last few weeks that have made me depressed and really put me in a bad spot. I'm currently trying to climb out of the hole that I am stuck in, that is making me depressed, and in search of happiness. I am able to see the joy in getting married and looking forward to that event. I am looking for ways to bring myself closer to the top of the hole that I've fallen in and using coping skills as a ladder to help me out of the hole. Skills like Radical acceptance, opposite to emotion, meditation, identifying emotions and how they affect my behavior, and many more skills.
Radical acceptance is accepting something as is, for what it is. You don't have to like it but just accept that it is what it is.
Opposite to emotion is when you feel depressed and you don't feel like doing anything, getting up and doing something anyway. This can help change your mood from a level of depression to a happier mood. It doesn't always work but for the times it does it makes a big difference.
Meditation has really helped me. I meditate using Progressive muscle relaxation and body scans. Progressive muscle relaxation is when you start with your legs and work your way up your body tensing and relaxing certain muscle groups. The body scan is where you lay down on your back and you focus on different body groups starting with your feet and moving up. With this you don't tense and relax the muscles but are simply aware of the sensations that each group of body parts has.
I also have been working on just identifying my emotions and how they affect my behavior. For example, being agitated might make me more susceptible to lashing out verbally toward another person. I have found this helpful in being able to identify why I behave the way I do sometimes.
So with this being said, I am using lots of skills to help myself climb out of the hole of depression that I feel I am stuck in. With a recent medication change I am finding that I am feeling better and less depressed because my mood is being stabilized by the medication. However, medications alone won't do the trick. It takes many skills and work to get out of a depressive state of mind and I am learning ways in which to reach out to people to gain support while going through this. I have also realized that I don't know what its like to be happy anymore because it's been a while since I have truly been happy. I am trying to recapture the feeling of happiness and fill my life with things that make me feel good. These include: spending time with my fiance and family, going out and taking walks, and just being around people.
This is where I am today, at this very moment in time. Eventually, I would like to be happy and be able to see life in a new light.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Week Eight: FEARS
- Heights (if not surrounded by walls)
- Pigs
- Living in pain and suffering
- Watching others live in pain and suffering
- Being someone I'm not
- Living with a secret
First, Heights (not surrounded by walls), This would include bungee jumping or sky diving things along those lines. I'm afraid of falling I suppose in mid air to land where ever the wind takes me. No thank you.
Second, Pigs, Yes Pigs, I'm terrified of Pigs. I was at camp once and we were doing these races against different camp groups and one part of the race was having to chase this pig and untie a rope from around its belly. well I was young then and the pig instead of being chased was chasing me. It terrified me and from then on out I have been terrified of them. If they are even in a cage I'm still a little afraid of them. It was an awful experience.
Third, Living with pain and suffering, I'm not afraid of pain, or death, however I am afraid of living with it everyday of my life. What kind of life would that be. I'm afraid of suffering and not being able to live my life to the fullest capacity that I can. I worry that this is the track of life I am on and that makes me afraid.
Fourth, Watching others live in pain and suffering, I fear for others. I fear their fears for not living life to their fullest capacity. I fear losing loved ones who have so much going for them, who have more to live for.
Fifth, Being someone I'm not!, I'm afraid of this mask I'm hiding behind, A mask that lets people see who they want to see and not the real me. I hide the real me to protect me so I don't get hurt anymore. I hide so that people don't judge or criticize me for my actions. I put on this mask and play this game to make people like me and to be accepted by people. Some times people catch on and other times they don't. I'm afraid that more people are going to start seeing through this mask and start seeing who I truly am on the inside and start judging me for who I am and disliking me for that. Casting me out for my character, and my behaviors because they are different than maybe what they are use to.
And Lastly, Living with a secret, This Almost scares me the most. It's a tie between this and being someone I'm not. I live with a secret that I hide from almost every one I come in contact with on a daily basis. It's hard keeping a secret for so long because eventually it wants to come out and when it does its not usually at the right moment. I've done good so far at still being able to keep my secret from those who I don't want knowing and those who had to know, well they found out. Luckily, it didn't change anything between their relationship between them and I so that was a positive thing for me. And something I feared would happen. LIving with a secret isn't easy and isn't fun, but I feel it is something I've had to do to protect my self from everyone around me. To protect me from getting hurt.
Week Seven: HERO
There's a hero If you look inside your heart You don't have to be afraid Of what you are There's an answer If you reach into your soul And the sorrow that you know Will melt away
And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you
It's a long road When you face the world alone No one reaches out a hand For you to hold You can find love If you search within yourself And the emptiness you felt Will disappear
And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you
Lord knows Dreams are hard to follow But don't let anyone Tear them away Hold on There will be tomorrow In time You'll find the way
And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you ~ Hero by Mariah Carey
Everyone is a hero no matter how big or how small. I believe, if you look deep enough inside yourself you'll find who you truly are. You may not at first believe that you can be a hero, but think again and you will see that you are a hero if you can just believe.
Its been taking me a long time to look inside my self to find this "HERO" and I still can't seem to find it but I know that if I feel it that it must be there somewhere waiting to come out. Its the small things you do that make you a hero, do you help take care of someone?, do you donate your time to helping those in need?, These are just two examples of how you can be a hero.
Have you found the HERO in you?
And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you
It's a long road When you face the world alone No one reaches out a hand For you to hold You can find love If you search within yourself And the emptiness you felt Will disappear
And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you
Lord knows Dreams are hard to follow But don't let anyone Tear them away Hold on There will be tomorrow In time You'll find the way
And then a hero comes along With the strength to carry on And you cast your fears aside And you know you can survive So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you'll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you ~ Hero by Mariah Carey
Everyone is a hero no matter how big or how small. I believe, if you look deep enough inside yourself you'll find who you truly are. You may not at first believe that you can be a hero, but think again and you will see that you are a hero if you can just believe.
Its been taking me a long time to look inside my self to find this "HERO" and I still can't seem to find it but I know that if I feel it that it must be there somewhere waiting to come out. Its the small things you do that make you a hero, do you help take care of someone?, do you donate your time to helping those in need?, These are just two examples of how you can be a hero.
Have you found the HERO in you?
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